{Thoughts}: On Being This Person

I would tell you I don’t want to be this person, but what’s the point? You already know. I’m not the person I want to be anymore. I’m letting illness win, and the victory doesn’t taste so sweet to me because the illness is part of me so I should still feel slightly triumphant. Instead, I feel like a loser. I feel like I am the most broken piece inside of me. They say when someone truly understands the dustiest corners of your soul, that is when you have found love. I have found someone who understands the deep dark crevices of me, the dusty parts of my soul, the parts I try to hide, but instead of feeling like I can walk away a winner, I feel as though I am crawling from myself.

I’m sorry I can’t do this as well as I used to. I don’t know if the façade is crumbling or if the real me is being displayed. I don’t know if the real me is this weak thing that you see broken on the floor or if the real me was the brave, courageous one, but I’m starting to think I am weak, I am pathetic, and most of all, I am not good to love.

I don’t want to be this person. I want to be strong and victorious. I want to show up, to fight, to participate fully in this thing called life, even on the days I can’t manage a good night’s sleep or sparklers are appearing before my eyes. I want to fight the flashbacks and the memories, the triggers and the sadness, but I feel like there are some days I can’t manage. Yesterday, I was in a hardware store, and I saw someone who looked like him from the back of the head, I had to wait until I saw him turn the corner to see his face, and once I saw his face, I felt safer, I felt okay. But there will be times, when I can’t see his face, but I have to feel okay. I have to conquer my demons.

It’s not easy fighting these emotions all the time, and in fact, it’s damn draining. I’m tired, I keep telling people how tired I am, yet no matter how much I sleep, I still wake up tired because it’s not sleep I need. These demons harass me, they harangue me, but still I fight. Some fights are more important than others, and some days, I feel like telling you I want to tell you I don’t want to be this person.

-L.G.

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