A Confession

The waves of time crash upon the sands of memories. Sometimes, the waves erode the pain, and sometimes, they flare as brightly as the moon. I am not as sad as I was, but I still have memories that haunt me and can transform me. The memories shape me like I am a lump of warm wax just waiting to be molded. I’m sorry I can’t forget. I’m sorry I hold onto these things. Last night, he reminded me of something I had told myself I would never forget, but I did forget it. That’s progress for me. The things that used to haunt me are being eroded with enough time and enough delicate love.

However, there is great tragedy in the world. People dying, being murdered callously. Sickness and people’s faces hollowing out, their eyes shallowing. Flashbacks to memories we would rather not retrace, names are called, shots are fired. Daily, we hear of the horrors committed upon others, committed upon ourselves, and I find myself torn up, tears flooding my eyes, yet I hope for beauty. I hope for change. I worry that the world is a dark place. This earth where I plan to raise my future children is bleak and dark, yet I always hope it will be better for them. That they will not see the ugliness and can continue to search for beauty.

However, when I think of these things and the tears begin to fall as they inevitably do, I am distressed to think about what kind of mark I can leave. What kind of lasting impact I can make. It’s times like this I grow discouraged my voice is not louder, my impact not quite a crater. I try to touch individual lives, but a colleague pointed out to me once, does that really change anybody? One can hope, but right now, I have a heavy heart, and temporarily, I have lost that flicker of hope. I know at some point, it will shine brightly again, but in the mean time, I am retreating. I will continue to write and post updates, but my YouTube account, the one I was so ablaze for when I began it will have to take a backseat because there is so much anger and so much hatred in the world. I know not many watched my videos and not many subscribed, so this won’t be a huge loss for many, but I just need to focus on my writing and preserving hope within myself before I can return to it.

I just hope one day, beauty will overtake the bleak darkness that surrounds us. That’s all any of us can hope, I suppose.

-L.G.

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