It’s interesting to me to think how far I have come and how much I have learned about myself in the process. Back in high school, I thought I was so jaded, I thought I had experienced it all: heartbreak, betrayal, back-stabbing, hilarity, skipping class, the whole gamut. Looking back on it, when I thought I could play with the big leagues, I was still playing catch in the Little Leagues. Though high school was a tumultuous time, I really didn’t know who I was or what I was made of. Now, I know I’m tough and resilient. Now, I know I’m not superficial like the girls I hung around. I thought they were tough because they didn’t shed tears and because they took razors to their skin. Now, I know that’s stupid. I would rather feel my pain and cry, then to hurt myself. My friends at the time clouded my judgment and made me feel like an idiot for being sensitive. I’m so much stronger than they ever imagined and so much stronger than I ever thought I would be. I’ve grown so much in the past ten years. It’s amazing to me to think that I was on the verge of giving up back then.
Looking back on it, it would have been easy just to give up then, but I wouldn’t have known the happiness and pain and sorrow and love that is living a fully-dimensional life. I thought I was jaded. Little did I know life had more experiences in store for me. I feel things more richly than most, but I would rather be sensitive than dead inside. It’s interesting when I rediscover who I was all those years ago.
January 15, 2004
“You wake up with tears in your eyes, and they expect that faraway gaze and comfortable, hazy, plastic grin. Can’t they see my act is falling apart? The rabbit refuses to come out of this magician’s hat nowadays, and it’s wearing thin. All of it is. I want to know you inside and out, but all I can see is the hard shell exterior, I want to know the chocolate and peanut butter inside. Trust is a scary thing. You think you trust someone, but then you get this.
You get a girl with a smile so big that it makes you want to hug her and forget that she makes you want to cry almost every night, and she breaks your trust and reduces you to simplicity and broken lies. Then, you find a blonde-haired angel who should talk of petty things: Happiness and bliss, boyfriends and love, dancing and midnight curfews. Instead, she talks of dreams that are shattered and knowing how ugly you feel on the inside. Then, you find a shy little girl with a wild inside. There’s something in the water, and sometimes, people know much more than they’ll ever say. Then, there’s him. He makes my heart sing, and my worries fade away. If I fail, it’s he who makes it feel like life is on my side, just him being there made me feel better today, and I want him for always, but I fear after today, I’ll never see him again and I’ll just smell his cologne and remember.”
I thought I was so wise, but instead, I was just a sixteen-year-old girl on the cusp of knowing things that ran deeper than the surface. I no longer consider myself wise or unwise; I just let experiences teach me and keep moving forward. Sure, there are times I over-analyze the past or replay my memories. Sometimes, I hunt down memories and try to understand them, but I don’t think of myself in black-and-white terms anymore. I’m not jaded, I’m not experienced. I’m learning.