Today, I began spring cleaning, and when I began cleaning, I didn’t think I would run into so much of my past while cleaning, but apparently I did. Whether it was trying on my “Being in love is totally punk rock” t-shirt from my early 20’s, not being able to fit into one of my halter dresses, finding a letter explaining my flaws that somehow equate love, digging through jewelry of dead relatives, flipping through old books, and rereading old journals, it seemed like nostalgia was everywhere. Sometimes, I get so caught up with the past, I forget to look where I am going in the future.
Where am I going? Does it matter? I have been writing more lately, but then, I feel I am stagnant. I am stuck. I really hope I am growing as a person, but sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck on a carousel instead of a Ferris wheel. I may never make it to the top, but I keep going round in hopes that something will change.
This nostalgia brought me all the to listening to old CD’s I made, knees to my chest, perched on the edge of my couch. I listened to a band I liked when I was in high school, a band where the bassist and lyricist had a crush on me. He wrote me song lyrics I found scribbled in a book of mine from sophomore year of high school, and suddenly I remembered his love notes.
He would write me these notes, confessing all these things that he didn’t talk to about with anyone: his father’s death, his view on Heaven, love, the meaning of life. Stuff that made fifteen-year-old me feel important, less of a child and more of an adult. Then, I remembered when he told me he turned off all the lights and wrote me a letter by candle light, pretending that the electricity went out.
Well, these and a whole bunch of other memories flying around me put me into a state of remembering. I found my grandfather’s rosary, my rose quartz, my unbroken geode. I just keep replaying memories that I thought I had forgotten. It’s like I can never leave these ghosts off with someone else. They follow me. They haunt me.
I can’t stop the remembering. It may have started as spring cleaning, but it ended with a girl who had too many memories trying her best to put her pieces back together.