Even tonight, even with his apology and explanation, I feel an oddly overly emotional reaction to his response. It’s like a part of me goes fuzzy, and even before the tears fall, I feel his voice almost growing distant. I feel like my ears are filled with cotton balls, and I feel such a bizarre sense of rage that doesn’t make sense in the given situation. However, I just clench my fists and fight the tears.
I blame you. I was never like this before. I’d speak up and say my piece. Now, I clench up and everything becomes muddled and distant like listening to someone speak over the roar of an airplane engine. I remember the night you had the job interview, and I woke you up, poking you over and over again, giggling because I was hyper and excited for you potentially having a new job, glad you had the charisma to speak up and ask about employment. I was merely giddy and hyper. You silenced me with your glare, but I didn’t give up. I didn’t want you to be late because it was a third shift interview. I kept poking you because I wanted you to get there in time. That was the night you started screaming at me in their basement. That was the night you called me names, and when I packed my stuff to wait outside, you ripped my story out of my hands and shredded part of the text. I still have the story, it still has the tears. Even worse was what came next. When you kicked me as hard as you could in the stomach. My screams echoed in the cul-de-sac, and your hand flew to my mouth, silencing me, hissing, “What the Hell is the matter with you? Do you want to wake the whole neighborhood?” My stomach clenched and hurt like Hell. I was so scared I could have lost him forever. I went to the neighbor’s, and he drove me to the hospital. You drove behind us and begged for me to let you drive you the whole way. When we got to the hospital, I told the security guards I didn’t want you coming in the hospital room. He stayed with me all eight hours. When I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to have children, he was by my side. When I wasn’t sure if the results were going to be okay, he stayed by my side. All eight hours. That should have been my red flag.
I shouldn’t have been so stupid.
I know this was just a dumb fight over Scrabs, but goddamnit, every time I annoy the love of my life, I’m so scared I may make him react in the same way you reacted. It shuts me down and tears me apart.