All about Me

How old are you?

I am twenty-seven-years-old, and in a little over a month, I will be twenty-eight-years-old.  The age I feel varies, depending on a lot of factors, but sometimes I feel like one of those Russian nesting dolls, a Matryoshka doll, where I am a bunch of different people piled inside of myself.  Some days, I feel like a three-year-old, clutching my pillow and crying, my heart racing from a nightmare I had.  Other days, I feel fifteen, on the cusp of everything but not yet thrust into real life yet.  Most of the time, I feel like I have stopped aging at nineteen.  I still listen to the same music as I did when I was nineteen; I’m back in school again, I struggle with the same self-esteem issues I struggled with when I was nineteen.  To admit I’m twenty-seven on the verge of twenty-eight, it rings false to me; it sounds like a lie.

Age you want to be?

I’d love to turn back the cogs and gears on my time machine and go back to being either fourteen or nineteen, there is so much I would change if I could, but I worry it would change the person I have become, and I would hate for that to happen.

If you were born the opposite gender, what would you want your name to be?

I like strong, solid-sounding names for men, so maybe something like Jonathan or Matthew.  I’m very traditional when it comes to male names.  Michael.  Luke.

Have you ever been in love, and if so, how many times?

I’m the type of girl who is a romantic; I fall in love with the idea of love or with people very quickly.  Not often was it reciprocated in the past, but when it was, I felt fireworks popping inside of me.  I loved Aya, the girl whose name tasted like mangoes and who wrote poetry that singed my soul, and I loved her so damn much.  I loved C—-, even though he was broken, and his broken, jagged edges hurt me so badly.  I loved R— since the moment I met him.  From the moment the rice cascaded down on the geisha, I knew he was a man I would never forget.  The story of the “scar” on his back and with all the memories we have shared, the history we have together, I can honestly say I still love him.  Finally, most importantly, I love my sweetheart.  His love endures above all else; when I feel like all my pieces are falling apart, he holds me together.  When I want to laugh, his smile, his jokes, his laughter, it’s all enough to put a smile on my lips and eventually to make me laugh.  He is my rock, and he is my greatest happiness.  I have never met someone so selfless, with so much integrity, and genuine kindness.  He is down-to-earth, charming, sweet, funny, loving, selfless.  I have been blessed to have him in my life.

Do you have low self-esteem?

My self-esteem fluctuates; some days, it will be through the roof, and I will think I am incredible and unstoppable.  Other days, I feel lousy and as though I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to associate themselves with me.  It all changes, but I’d say as a whole, I have low self-esteem that I am constantly trying to elevate or in the process of elevating.

Have you ever been to New York City?

I have been a couple of times.  I went the summer after 9/11 with my family on a family trip to DC, Connecticut, and we took a day trip to New York City.  I remember gawking and taking pictures of everything from Times Square to the cross constructed out of beams from the World Trade Center to the human Barbie standing inside of the Times Square toy store with the Ferris wheel inside.

The most recent time I’ve gone is about six or seven years ago when I was living in Pennsylvania.  We rented a van and all the girls went to see the giant Christmas tree in Rockefeller plaza; I remember it was snowing, and we ate a big Italian feast in a little hole in the wall in Little Italy with bottles upon bottles of red wine.

Have you ever pulled an all nighter?  When?

I used to do all nighters more frequently back when I was in school or when I was dating C— or B–.  I remember when I was in college in K.C., I was friends with one of the guys in the coffee shop.  His name was Joe; he was one of the coolest guys I knew at the time, he and I would laugh and laugh at the dumbest of things like the scene where the Narrator finds his spirit animal in the movie Fight Club or something some girl in the coffee shop said that was just a super-ditzy comment.  We always were laughing; I can still picture him, tall and with shaggy black hair.  Well, one night, I had a paper to write that I had put off until the last minute, and so he fixed me what we called a “Carmel Ice” and proceeded to add four shots of espresso to it.  That night, I couldn’t sleep.  Another time, I was at my friends’ apartment in Lawrence, KS, and we decided it’d be a good idea to stay up all night, so we took my buddy, Sean, who was a pre-med major at the time to all the bars on the major strip of Lawrence, and then, when we got back to his place, we watched movies until the sun came up.  Sometimes, I pull all nighters solo when I feel like writing or book altering, but usually, I end up crashing at some point.

When was the last time you skinny dipped?

A few years ago, I dated this guy named Rob.  He was a daredevil and a flirt.  I still remember his smirk more than anything.  I remember the first night we met, I stole his hat and his heart.  We exchanged numbers, and I read him my poetry as we sipped white wine.  He read me fairy tales to help me fall asleep and played the piano for me.  He called me “Peanut” and played with my hair.  He changed the lyrics to “Dear Prudence” to “Dear Peanut”, but like I said, he was also a daredevil and we were adrenaline chasers together.

We’d do anything just for sheer excitement; so one night, it was late, and we had been drinking beers together until we had to sneak out of his apartment because his roommate had called the cops on us.  We locked his bedroom door and opened the window, jumped out the window, and rolled onto the grass into the street.  We got down to the pool, and at his complex, they left the gate unlocked.  We were standing by the pool, the light reflecting off the water.  We stood in the gazebo, just debating what to do; his back was to me, and I just stripped down naked and jumped in the pool.  I remember swimming, feeling free, as the red-and-blue flashing lights of the police cars swirled past us.

Do you sleep with the door open or the door closed?

I always preferred sleeping with the door closed, but now, I sleep with it open to let the air in, and I normally prefer sleeping away from the door, but my boyfriend and I have switched sides so now, I sleep nearer to the door with the door open.  I’m branching out beyond my comfort zones.  I’m doing things I never thought I would do.  I know it sounds minor to sleep with the door open and to sleep close to the door, but I was always afraid someone would break into my apartment like they broke into my grandmother’s house, and for some reason, sleeping away from the door helped to abate that fear somewhat.

Do you like taking pictures?

I really do; I actually have taken a few that my mother has framed and hung up in her and my dad’s house.  I find it really fun to take pictures, and my boyfriend has a really nice camera that he doesn’t object to letting me use so I’ve taken some pretty neat pictures using his camera.  I have a little waterproof HD camera I use and my phone’s camera too.  I took a photography class when I was in high school, so I feel I do a decent job of framing shots and taking some pretty good pictures with whatever camera I have available.

Do you like your picture being taken?

Not usually.  It really depends on my mood, but usually, I shy away from the camera.  I find myself not so physically attractive, and I don’t usually like how pictures of me turn out, especially candid ones, but even ones I know are being taken, I feel like my smile is often forced and fake-looking, so I would rather not be in pictures at all.  Other times, if I am “modeling” for my boyfriend, I can have fun with it.  I can just play around and not take the camera too seriously.  I usually just ignore him or stick my tongue out at him when he takes pictures of me because I’m mature.

What does your ex-boyfriend look like?

He had green eyes, light brown hair that turned blonde in the summer, and had a tattoo of Dali paintings on each of his biceps.  He was about 5’7, though he liked to tell people he’s 5’9 or 5’10.  He had tobacco-stained hands and a fondness for wearing dress pants with nice button-down shirts.

What was the last compliment you received?

My boyfriend told me I looked incredible last night, which made me feel amazing, considering I was wearing an old pair of glasses, a pair of his fraternity’s gym shorts, and a faded t-shirt with some corny slogan on it.

Would you date someone older than you?

I have dated and am currently dating someone older than me, and I’ve never had a problem with it.  The thing I think is that you have to have a certain level of maturity to date someone older than you and be on the same level emotionally.

Would you date someone younger than you?

I have in the past, and again, it’s a matter of maturity.  If someone can handle the age difference, and it is an age difference where you have the same responsibilities and are at the same general stage in life, then I see no problem with it, but the problem lies when your life stages are different.  I think, for example, a college-age guy and a girl who’s still in high school (or vice versa) won’t necessarily work because they are in different stages and have different responsibilities and expectations of themselves, but there are always exceptions to this.

When was the last time you were drunk?

I got tipsy a while back when my boyfriend was at work, and I had received a failing test grade.  I was so devastated, I just started drinking to cheer myself up, and I got myself tipsy on accident because I had mixed my drink a little stronger than I had intended.

What is your least favorite thing about your body?

Probably my arms or my belly.  My arms because I am Sicilian, and I have dark hair on my arms, and I am extremely self-conscious of that.  One of my exes told me I had gorilla arms, and I was so hurt by it.  I act like they don’t bother me, but they do.  I also hate my belly just because by working at a grocery store the past two years, I have put on so much extra weight, and I used to be so slim and petite and now, I have a bit of a tummy, and I just hate myself for gaining so much weight.  I struggle to work it off too, and it’s just a reminder to me that it’s Hell growing old, but it’s better than the alternative.

What size shoe do you wear?

8 or 8 and 1/2.

Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?

Back when I was in high school, plenty of rumors were spread about me, ranging from a tabloidesque lie that I was pregnant with the English teacher’s baby (GASP! Scandal! Also, completely made up) to I was a drug addict (not even close to true).  Then, a few months ago, someone spread a rumor about me at work that I was cheating on my boyfriend with an ex of mine because my ex and I are still friends, and he showed up at my work to talk because I hadn’t seen him in a year.  As he was leaving, I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek because that’s the kind of girl I am, and some co-worker spread a rumor that we were making out in the parking lot.

What is your worst nightmare?

I can’t think of the absolute worst because I have so many, but the last nightmare I remember clearly was about being yanked out of school mid-semester and being sent home with a doctor in my bedroom.  He kept pressing me to inhale chloroform or ether, and so I couldn’t speak, I just mumbled incoherent thoughts, and everyone was convinced I was crazy.  I kept mumbling words under my breath, the doors were off the hinges, and a lot of time had passed, and I didn’t know how.  When I left school, there was snow on the ground; by the time I had regained consciousness in my dream, the ground was green and plush.  I remember just mumbling words over and over, and everyone ignored me.  The struggle to speak coherently and be heard was driving me insane, so finally I just screamed as loudly as I could, and everyone looked over.

What is your best dream?

One dream I had that I remember with particular fondness was one of walking along the beach with my man, and I was wearing a simple white, lace dress, and he was in khakis and a white button-down shirt.  We were, hand in hand, and we were both laughing about something.  Then, looking at our hands clasped tight, I noticed the rings on our fingers.  Married, happy, and in love.

If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask them in the comment section!  I am always happy for a reason to talk about myself.



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